so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
