Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
