I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
