is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
