I must be too annoying 4 u.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
