I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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