I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
