i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
