Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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