there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
