this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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