I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
