You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
