i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
