I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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