I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
