my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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