we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
