I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
