Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
