my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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