and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
