You smell like a Billy Joel song
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
