I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
