I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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