I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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