We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
