it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
