I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
