so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
