i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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