I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
