Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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