I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
