It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
