Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
