She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
