You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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