So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
