The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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