i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
