When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
