Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize