Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
