Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
