An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
