It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
