I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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