shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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