im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
